Fantassia's Palace's Herald Excerpts
3rd Annual Ex-Troppers' Party Weekend July 16 - 21, 1999

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1st year gold star membership Mon Jul 19 06:45:19 1999
WHOS YOUR DADDY Cinn's good at taking pics ask Me I know LOL..
Mon Jul 19 07:09:21 1999
terablet: I want to thank all of you for coming. I would have been here sooner to write, but I have been putting more screws in the rafters from Clav's snoring. LOL

I have to agree with TC this time Clav, 3 women and you go to sleep. Should have brought your Viagra.

And speaking of TC, well, all that know him, know that ANYTHING said about him can be true. LOL He seems to have this thing for Foxx toes. You would have thought they were a chocolate lolly pop or something. LOL

And Foxx, hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...I think the reason all the sexual things you found in the barn were created up in the evil little mind you have. LOL I have never noticed all that being there. LMAO

BJ, one of the CRAZYEST people that came. LOL Not alot to say but DAMN WOMAN!!!!! LOL I think you made everyone have a better time.

Special, McDonalds called this morning. You left something there in the bathroom when you were changing. LMAO She sounded kind of embarrased to call. LOL

Steve and Kathy. Was great meeting you. Next time more singing Steve, 3 songs was not enough. And Kathy, keep on practicing those body shots.

And then there is talented tongue Paula.hmmmmmmmmmm I think every would have like to see a demo on that there tongue. LOL But, you have them alll wondering now just how good you are with it. Thanks for coming. Even though I did have to get up at 4:30 this morning to take you to the airport. LOL

Louie....I don t care what BJ has to say, If a wild looking woman comes and starts licking your neck and doing shots, GO FOR IT!!!! LOL

Cin...Was great to have you here. But next time,leave the dishes, have fun and party. We could have gotten TC to do them before he went home. He is at least good for that if NOTHING else!! LOL

LHS... Hmmmmmmmm..Going to be nice beings I see you all the time and you take care of the dogs for us. LOL

Husky....no more discover channel for you.. PG by a Panda is going WAY to far!!!! We did feel for you having to ride home with the WILD woman though. LOL Tell her I am having the Carpet fixed today. LOL

And my sweetie MI-jah. I LOVE YOU BABY!!! I am glad we did do it again this year. Keeps getting better every year. Couldn t do it without you!! And wouldn t want to.

We want you to know we enjoyed your company and had a great time (even though Clav snored the rafters loose and BJ and foxx gave every one blacks eyes with those titty rubs.) LOL But then again, I didn t hear anyone complain but the DJ and that was because he didn t get one. LOL

Hope to see everyone next year for the 4th anual party.

Now I am off to get everything back in order, just wondering if Clav snored on the plane home or not??? LOL Later everyone!!

            terablet
2nd year gold star membership Mon Jul 19 07:38:45 1999
Clav: Well, here I be...finally. A bit later than I expected, but there were a few delays (nothing like hearing that the flight is going to be delayed ANOTHER half hour 'cause the problem was more extensive than they thought...can you say, let me offa da plane?? *LOL*) and a flight change.

Grinning sheepishly, holding up my thumb and forefinger, a scant distance apart...Ok, ok...so...maybe I snore just a leeeetle...but, only this much!
*chuckle*


*LMAO* TC....anything we could possibly make up would never even come close to approaching the truth! And, I hate to break it to ya...but "Innocent" is one word that has no business being attached to your name in any way, shape for form! And... hanging my head in shame...I'm soooo sorry to have disappointed you. First, not evening have a beer by 1?? And then, well...I guess I've been married too long, it's a Pavlovian response. A woman gets in bed with me and I roll over and, umm..."breath heavy," *LOL* It was great to see you again buddy...maybe I'll find myself out that way next year for the festival. Be warned though, I might have the clan in tow...*LOL*

Special, at least I was only snoring through the Sexual Trivia...*LOL* I wasn't making up new questions. At least we now know how McDonalds came up with the term, "Happy Meal.!" (Though, I'm not sure if that's what they had in mind...if they did, it would be one busy Playland! *LOL*) I wish I could make it out there the end of the month...I hope I don't have to wait a whole year to get a kiss. *smile*

*mmmmmwwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!* (Well, Gary wasn't there so I can borrow his kiss *grin*) It was great to see you again foxx! Two years was far too long of a wait. Now, we all know that what you felt during the foxx wiggle wasn't my keys.....

They were yours! *LOL*

All we have to do is figure out a way for you to give a foxx wiggle and a BJ/foxx tittie wiggle at the same time... Yeah, ok...so I'm a glutton..sue me! *grin*

Let's not wait so long to see each other next time...*kiss*

I am so glad that you made it to the party this year, BJ! *kiss* Though your arrival damn near caused a heart attack! It's not like beautiful woman don't run up to me in the street every day and wrap their legs around me...it's my cross to bear..*deep sigh*, but I've learned to deal with it...it's not always easy being me.(Ok, my mind just took a short trip to the Bahamas there...I'm back in the real world now! *LOL*) But, when the drivers door of the same car opens up and a guy steps out...well, let's just say that all the sweat wasn't from the heat! *LOL*

I'm working on that dare....gonna make it a super-dee-duper one! (Hmm...note to self: Self, don't type a Herald post with Barney in the background.)

I have to say that I'm more than a bit relieved that you were the guy climbing out of the drivers door, Husky. *LOL* Though, I think you enjoyed the look on my face FAR too much! I have to admire the way you were able to slip away just as the heat started to get turned up on us guys...*LOL* Nothing could stick to that teflon reputation of yours. You were having far to much fun just edging back and watching TC and I take the brunt of it all. (Though, Kudos for the daquiri's...wish I had been the one to think up the idea of getting all the women drunk! *LMAO* I'm just WAY to innocent for that...*blink*)

Cinnamin, thanks for taking pity on the poor guy with the thumb sticking out and giving me a ride to the party. *smile* It was great to meet you.

Umm.... fingering my collar nervously...Now, about those pics you were so fond of taking. Just how much are you looking for to get for the copies....

And the negatives...

I think there'd be others willing to chip in...*LOL*

A brief disclaimer here: Contrary to past experience, I'm NOT going back to proof read all of this. *chuckle* Kinda makes life more interesting to just roll the dice and hope they don't come up craps.

Now Sibrwd, to determine if in fact I actually do snore it's required that you actually stay awake to take measurements and jot down notes! *LOL* Hmm...that's decibel measurements... slapping away your hand... *LOL*

Just for the record...that is ONE talented tongue you have there! *LOL* (hmm...that's gonna open some eyes, eh?) I think a talent like that should be shared more....make the world a happier place...*far away look*

I do think you should get a cordless phone and maybe "talk" a bit further away from the birds...*LOL*

I'm glad you could make it this year...it was a blast seeing you again! *hug N kiss*

LHS...there's a method to the madness, eh? *chuckle* They always say you have to watch out for the quiet ones...I think I understand why now. It was good to see you again! ^5

Muse, did you ever the license plate of that truck? Seems it came back the following night...*chuckle* I was still burping tequila last night.

I do need to point out that when you see a cat sitting about 2 feet off the ground that it's usually on something....like, a BIG ROCK! *LMAO* It's best to walk around that spot.

I enjoyed getting to hear you belt them out again... If there was one talent that I wish I could have it would be to be able to sing like that. (And, judging from the cringes as I tried to sing I'd hazard a guess that everyone else would wish for that too! *LMAO*)

btw...thanks for taking some of that snoring heat off of me...though, I never once heard you snore?!?! I think they were just making it all up...

Or, not...*LOL* I hope to see you again soon...^5

I have to agree Legacy, I can't think of anyone I'd have rather lost my body shot cherry with. *smile*

When it came to the group sing-a-long I'm glad that you and BJ decided to stay in the audience...*grin* Though, the both of you caused me to totally lose what ever pitch I might have come semi-close to finding. *LOL*

Thanks for all the fish...*smile* Love ya...and I hope to see you guys soon!! *kiss*

And I now come to the hostest with the mostest. Mi-jah, I don't know I'd open up my home year after year to a bunch of crazy, alcohol consuming ax murderers like us...but I'm glad that you do! *smile* I've got to meet many incredible people over the past few years and have formed some deep and true friendships that have easily carried over to r/t. If you guys ever make it out this way I hope you know that you are just as welcome to share my home...

I was hoping you and Muse would slip in a duet somewhere... Maybe next year? *questioning look*

*kiss* Once again...thank you!!

I finally know how to pronounce your online name, terablet. Though I am consoled by the fact that I wasn't the only one to make that mistake. *chuckle*

YOu have a unique talent for egging others on and setting up poor, witless wonders like TC and myself to take all the heat...then just sit back with your arms across your chest and laugh. *LOL* It took me a while to catch on to that... I think next time we need to figure out a way to get you some of the limelight. *grin*

You need to bottle up that chili, buddy....Mmm Mmm....breakfast of champions! *grin*

And the bane of fellow flyers....*LMAO* But, we don't need to go there, do we? Beer...tequila....chili? 'Nuff said.

Thanks for opening up your home to us...^5 I hope to see you again next year.

(I hope those little hints aren't too subtle...*LOL*)

And to the roving reporters....*LMAO* Those reports are priceless!! I have to read and reread them...and each time I catch another nuance that I missed before.

I had such a blast this weekend...my stomach still hurts from laughing so much...(and it has nothing to do with any amounts of alcohol consumed, I'm sure! *LMAO*) Hey, I was good this year...I think that a field of strawberries somewhere might have actually survived the weekend. If nothing, I learn from past mistakes. *rueful grin*

WYD....someday I'm sure we're y to party together...^5

I want to thank the rest of the Palace residents for smiling indulgently and putting up with all the posts...*chuckle*

Ok...now the real world is calling...work and all that. I wish this hadn't taken me all morning to type! *LOL*

Have a good day all....

So long and thanks for all the fish.

Mon Jul 19 08:21:13 1999
foxx: I'm awake..... I think. LOL

Thanks, Mi-jah and terablet! Was a good time and was good to see you again, Mi-jah, and to finally meet you, terablet! Just going to ask that you remember to invite me again next year....... unless you aren't going to invite BJ cuz then I'll go find her! *wink wink* Gotta get some more of those foxx licks! *giggling* We do promise to be better, er I mean, good next year!........ if you need a bribe, well, I'll help with cutting up cukes and opening cans of beans and stuff again! *grin* And I'll explore the rest of your property to see where you keep the other dungeons and help immortalize you in these walls.... okay? *giggle*

Cat and steve... was great to see you again! Two years is tooooooo long. And steve, you have to listen to everyone else and sing more. I know, I know.... that would be like me bringing my literature books with me and giving lessons on grammar, but something tells me everyone would enjoy what you do better than English! ROTFL....

Clav, what can I say... you beg and beg and beg and beg and beg for three women to climb in bed with you and I work it out so you can get your fantasy and what do you do? Well, no need to answer. Everyone knows already what you did, but I think I'll repeat it anyway: You went to sleep.....not only that, you SNORED while they were in bed with you with their hands all over you.... *shaking my head* I guess the legendary Clav has now been de-frocked... Hmmmm.... well, no, we couldn't even defrock you cuz you hit and kicked at us and told us to stop. *laughing* You're never gonna speak to me again, are you? I've not only helped ruin your reputation, I'm having fun with it too! ROTFL

LHS... good to meet you.... but I tell you. I've got to worry about you. No BJ/foxx titty wiggles? *shaking my head* Guess you'll have to DJ for the DJ next year so he can take your place! *giggle*

Cinn.... can't wait to see the pics.... Actually, I can't wait to see all the pics. I think I was too busy causing trouble with BJ .... I forgot to take a single picture! *pouts*

Sibrwd... was good to finally meet you and damn, woman.... you need to take the show on the road! Those birds of yours and the way you imitate them are great material for a one act!

Special... was sooooooo good to finally meet you. You're a riot, especially when you sit in chairs! *putting the clothes pin on my nose* I think it's great how you are so comfortable around everyone that manners go straight out the window and when you need to fart, you fart! ROTFLMAO........... Oh that was funny! (notice that I just left that with no explanation! You can thank me later! *giggle*)

TC... was really good to see you again too and to actually get to talk to you this time. Last time I met you I couldn't find you unless I went to the hot tub..... This time I just looked for the cooler if I couldn't find you! ROTFL Although, I must admit when I did find you in the hot tub this time, my feet and I learned why you have to wear that beeper and why you are on call 24/7! Damn good hands.............. and tongue! WOW! Anyone who has toes needs to meet those hands and tongue! *whew* ...... Ahem...... Okay, I'm back....What was I talking about? Oh, yeah, toes, hands, tongue. Um, Special and BJ.... when we divorce him, you can have all his possessions and accounts if you just let me have his hands and tongue, okay? *giggle*

Husky.... you ol' dog *kotn and scratch between the ears* *giggling* That is too cool. For how many years have I been greeting you like that, never knowing that that is just the way you like it! *grin* It was great talking to you and getting to know you. Thanks for introducing me to your bestest friend. She's way tooooo cool and I hope the three of us can get together again. (hey, I like those foxx licks.... and they are best when you're on one side and she on the other! *grinning*) Now, get lots of rest, don't stress yourself too much, and eat healthy. You have two to think about now with the bun in the oven (rather, panda in the oven....LOL). And remember, you will have to have several check ups between now and the due date..... which means frequent trips to Missouri and/or from Missouri to Indiana!

BJ.... WOW! You are soooo crazy! I think the two of us together is mighty dangerous; well, not for us but for anyone in our path! *giggle* It has been way toooooo long since you have been around, but I'm glad you're back and I'm glad I got to meet you too.... And now that I know where you live, I may be on your doorstep quite frequently! *grin* As for muscle tension *flexing fingers* I know how to work your neck ........ *wiggling my tongue and pointing to your neck* I um notice you seem to be tensing up again. Come here, let me help! *weg*........ *giggling* Oh! I see your eyes are crossing too... let me help uncrossing them! *laughing* Husky, take the knife from her! *g*

****************************
Oh, and about that barn of Mi-jah and T's.... don't let them tell you it's all in my mind..... *giggle* Everyone who came out to the barn and was taken on a tour saw the same things I did too! Yup! soooooooo.................. what's that tell you! *giggling*
******************************

I had a great time.... great memories ......

1st year gold star membership Mon Jul 19 11:26:11 1999
*~Special~*: Happy Birthday LS!! *Hugs*

Ok..first..
Clav.. that was me and Legacy in the audience.. BJ and foxx were on their knees most of the time during that song.. hahahahah

foxx.. Umm some explanation is NEEDED!! *ROTF*.. it was a JOKE.. a fart machine terablet bought and snuck.. (not skunk) haha in on us.. and Clav also had that problem in that chair.. *LOL*

Wow.. i must be a McDonalds Queen now.. *grin*.. although we really didn't play in the playland!! *LOL*

Ok.. it is now nap time for me.. *sleepy smile*

Mon Jul 19 11:33:45 1999
terablet: Flash from Michigan. The Leslie Police came by this morning and said a bright shiny thing was seen in my front yard on Friday night. Some one in a car caught the glow by their headlights. Said they saw it for a minute, but when they looked back, all they could see was what looked to be a herd of Elephants running in the yard. LMAo I wonder what happened with that ? Do you know Special???????? LOL

2nd year gold star membership Mon Jul 19 12:13:28 1999
Cinnaminn: Me thinks I may be one of the last for posting my thanks along with some special messages for the party weekend at Mi-jah and terablet's place but it was a lot of fun and I definitely hope that I'm invited for next year's party even though I'm not an ex-Tropper.....(hmmmmmm.....*wondering if it's possible to be adopted as an honorary one or something?!?!?*)......

First of all, I do have to be sure these two names are at the top of the list....*S*.......
for Mi-jah and terablet: Thank you very much for having the party, all of the work you did to have it, and for letting me be there even though I'm not an ex-Tropper! *hugs* It was wonderful and lots of fun! You both are very special people and I hope we can visit more often now that we know where each other lives. *grin* The Karoake night was great at the VFW Club and much better on Saturday night at your place in the barn! And the food was definitely delicious! *S* Next year you need to have a tape recorder and a camcorder running at certain times! *LOL*

for LHS: It was wonderful seeing you again, Gordon....and at least we proved to Mi-jah that we did know each other in RT before the party weekend. *L*

for Sibrwd: *L* It was a lot of fun meeting you and hearing all of those sounds you can make with your talented tongue! I just wish I had had a tape recorder with me for some of those sounds....or better yet a camcorder.....*LOL*....(*giving thanks that my son didn't hear some of the noises that you made or he'd be driving me crazy trying to copy/imitate some of them!*)

for Louie: You look adorable with/in a red feather boa and I do hope the pics turn out! *grin* Thanks for being my partner in the Sexual Trivia game even though you caused us to lose some Fantasy Tokens a few times. *L* Next time blow a little bit harder so we don't have to go thru Sex Therapy 2x in that game.....*giggle*....but at least we did have some good company while we were in it! *LOL*

for Clav: It was really great to finally meet you after all the online talking we have done. *warm smile with a big hug* I'm glad that I picked up the hitchhiker with his "thumb" out....(hmmmm.....I thought it was bigger than that?!?!?!....*mischievous look*)....even if his snoring does raise the roof and shake the rafters at times! *L* Just glad that I wasn't one of the ones that you pushed out of bed! *LOL* Also glad that I wasn't sitting behind you on that plane home after your breakfast of chili on Sunday morning! And don't forget....you can't claim to be a bodyshot virgin any more....I do have the pics to prove it! *giving you a mischievous look with a wg*......hopefully ALL of the pics will turn out especially those taken in the kitchen! *L* Those ones should be priceless! *wg*

for ~BJ~ (*formerly known as "Night Angel"*): *L* What can I say?!?!? It was a fun experience meeting you and spending the weekend with you and everyone! *hugs* You and foxx were great when it came to doing your part/turn as roving reporters in the Michigan party weekend.....*grin*.....

for Husky: *hugs*....next time watch out for that tree or let ~BJ~ do the driving especially now that you are an expectant mommy/daddy of a panda thanks to that very educational game of Sexual Trivia that we played....*L*....(hmmmm, did anyone remember to mention that it was the Gold Edition?....*giggle*).....and can I get your recipe for mixing up those strawberry daqs you made? I got a small sample of that drink and those were definitely delicious! *wg while adding a note to my list of favorite party drinks*

for Legacy~* and Muse: *big hugs for both along with extra gropes for Muse*.....It was definitely fun spending time with both of you and I'm glad everyone (including me) managed to persuade you to spend an extra night! *grin*

for ~*Special*~: Mmmmm....It was great to finally meet you after all this time! *hugs* I just wish I had a pic of you sitting in that chair after you came back from your 4-hr "Happy Meal" on Sat. *L* Or maybe a pic of you mooning that guy in the red truck on Fri. night/Sat. morning would have been better?....I hope we can get together again for a visit sometime soon! *S*

for foxx: *L* You were definitely great at reporting all of the news especially on Sunday morning! *LOL* But you forgot to mention that you do have those new sunshades for windshields with the pic of TC on them that you're taking orders for.....*giggle*.....I got to see a whole new side of TC that I never saw before this party weekend! *grin*

for Tin Cup: It was wonderful seeing you again, TC....*hugs*....only next time, get a babysitter for your kids for the whole weekend since you left way too early on Sat. night/Sun. morning!!!!! Otherwise next time I'll have to help BJ and foxx with tying you up/down just to keep you there longer....*mischievous look*....and I want to see the side of you that I saw in that pic from last year's party......*wg*.......And I do have to agree with Clav.....you're definitely not innocent in any way, shape, or form! Remember we do have witnesses to verify that! *L*

......Thank you to everyone for a wonderful weekend and special memories! *hugs*
()_()
(~.*)
(.)~.~(.)
/(_)-(_)\
*Soft Cuddly Hugs*

Mon Jul 19 2:24:47 1999
Mi-jah: I am sure I won't be the last but I ain't going to be the least neither *giggle* to post here. I asked terablet to do that this a.m. and he did a wonderful job.

Another party down. And it appears another to come! Start your plans friends. This year's party was the best ever!!!! And I didn't even wash the windows!!! Did anyone notice!!! I did very little stressing over this party (no broken teeth from grinding) and I had a wonderful time. I laughed til I cried and my cheeks and jaws hurt! Everyone was just wonderful and thank you for thanking terablet and I.

Those of you that had never met terablet now know why I fell in love and married that man! *s* (Clav and TC...... If ya think you can get a practical joke by him, think again!!! He is the King of Pratical Jokers!) *giggle*

Thank you all for making our Third Annual Party the best ever! Do you really think we can top it? LOL I am sure we will!

Hugs and Happy Happy Joy Joy!!!!! Thanks again and luv ya'll!!! Oh no......... I am sounding like a Texan!! Someone please help me!!! foxx......... I know you can! *giggle*

Mon Jul 19 4:29:42 1999
foxx: I have received from several people the following question: How did your meeting go with your sweetie?

I chose deliberately not to post anything about my meeting with my love in my previous posts because of the joking, teasing, and innuendo that was in them. There is nothing joking, teasing, or of innuendo in the love I have for that man, and I didn't want to juxtapose it with the above posts.... it deserves it's own *smile*:

Our meeting did change our relationship..... for the better .... and that was hard to do because our relationship has been great. He's my best friend and the love of my life.... we fit together so very perfectly (out of the gutter people; I'm standing at the top of the world right now, okay? *grin*).

He and I were just talking and something he said I want to repeat because he has done the same for me. He told me, "You have left nibble marks on my heart." (see, that's one of the reasons I love him too.... he makes me swoon all the time....um, maybe that's why we spent so much time in bed.... I couldn't stand up?... Ahem, sorry. I'm back now. *grin*)

So, in response to the above posted question and a couple other questions that followed:
Yeah, things changed: the little voice that kept trying to tell me to be prepared that the chemistry wouldn't be there is gone now..... When I type or read *soft kiss* or *hard kiss* the emotion I'm or he's trying to convey is perfectly given or received b/c it has a physical meaning now too..... and the future that we have been discussing of having together, though still on the same time frame, is more certain and tangible than it ever has been.

I know I owe no one the answers to these questions and there are a lot of you who come to this board who really could care less and who say, "So what? That's between you and him." Yeah, it is and there will always be those things that I'll never tell *grin* but I wanted to share this with those who asked and wanted to know....

and maybe those who are wondering in their own situation what to do... the chemistry that you have is either there or not.... it was for my love and me, and I'm happy it was/is...... but if it hadn't been, I would have been just as glad we met and discovered it and could get on with our friendship...... yeah, he's my soulmate, but chemistry or no, he is, and would still have been, my best friend.... I'm glad I know now that he's both.

Mon Jul 19 6:17:14 1999
~BJ~: Awwww Clav....you forgot the post you are supose to give me......was part of that DARE.....you know the one with you at my feet.....I am still waiting *grin*


Special......I thought I was going to wet my pants when you did that DARE *LMAO*.....was to funny.....poor guy in the truck.....just teased like that...*hehehehehe

1st year gold star membership Mon Jul 19 6:28:36 1999
*~Special~*:*LMAO* BJ.. You had pants on??

I got this in e mail from my brother.. it is kinda long.. but hilarious!!!

A Father's Note to Prospective Suitors:
10 Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk - you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car or mow my lawn?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight.
Places where there is darkness.
Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Mon Jul 19 6:42:17 1999
Tin Cup: foxx....I'm so very happy for you and your love! *BS*..that is truly a special feeling I know! ...congratulations to you both...he is a very lucky man!!....and I think I speak for most everyone that comes here...you certainly dont have to apoligize for saying that here....it's stories like yours that give us hope and help keep dreams alive! *S*....But Y0U DAMN WELL better invite us to the Wedding! LOL....ummm....are they gonna have beer there???? hahahahahaa....and can I have a brides maid when your done with them??? *WEG* hahahahaa

Mon Jul 19 6:45:54 1999
foxx: *laughing hard* I think I will print out those dating rules..... my daughter just turned 14 and thinks guys are the greatest thing. I've tried to tell her all the horror stories about the opposite sex but she doesn't want to believe me...... LOL.... so maybe I need to be talking to these guys and letting them know that I am indeed the most horrible thing to walk the face of the earth and that beautiful girl they want to take out is very very important to me.

Now, when she turns 18 and has a good job, I'll become sweet again til she flies the nest......... ROTFL......
Mon Jul 19 6:50:46 1999
foxx: Um, TC, when we get married, you and all our friends here are invited.... as for the bridesmaids you want me to invite though.... I'm not sure their mommies and daddies will let them stay up past 9:00! ROTFL.... just kidding..... Sure, you can have them, but I'm starting a new trend: I'm using men!
Mon Jul 19 6:51:43 1999
foxx: Uh, that didn't come out right! ROTFL.... I meant my bridesmaids will be men!

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